Guess, I have matured a lot since then ...

Reading my previous blog, it seem that I have matured a bit in terms of language I use-- like I dont use the swear words that often, nor do I crib a lot. Appears I have finally got soaked in this place and am beginning to like it , when its actually the time to say adios :)

Another one from my previous blog ...

There are many situation which though he/she has not experienced himself/herself but is quite proficient to handle.Courtsey-- movies, novels or any soap on the television.Or atleast one thinks one is. But life does not always goes by logic .Sometimes a situation confronts you which though not new to you leaves you fumbling for reaction or drives you insane to the extent that you dont think before you react.Something of this sought happened to me recently.It was bright sunny day and i was going with my mother to fill in an appointment with a doctor in rickshaw.As usual the traffic was jam-packed and so to avoid it the rickshawala decided to take an alternate route through the interiors of the city. Since it was bright and sunny and hot ,so I kept quite all the time ,lost in my own world ,catching glimpse of the enviornment around me in between. Though mom was continously saying something to which i was just nodding my head and she thought i was listening very attentively .Then our rickshaw came in a strange surrounding. Strange because the whole ambience changed. Strange because i could see men in the age group from 18 to 40 or even above standing by the side of the road and ogling. Strange because it was the RED LIGHT AREA. Man, did i say red light area ? But yes , it was one. Suddenly i felt too over conscious .Everywhere my eyes went i could see those men staring at me Leaving a speck of doubt in my mind about my clothes, even whether i was having my full clothers on or not. On the balconies i could see these whores leaning over the fence with their best of make up on ,some fagging, some boozing,some chewing beetle leaves other just exchanging eyes with some man on the side of the road. God that whole sight , drived me numb in thinking. I wanted to get out of that place as soon as possible. I have seen such scenes in hindi movies thousand of times ,but this time it was different for this time i was directly involved in this real life scene.The first thing i did was i bagan curling my hands and legs up little bit though , as if making an attempt to huddle up. Then the next thing i did was started shouting at my mom for the heck of it. I didnt want to do that, i swear. But that was all i could do in that trance state ,for that was all i was capable of doing . Why did you bring me here ? Arent there any other routes ? How come you can survive in this enviornment ? I started sweating like anything.All i was conscious of was –I have to get out of that place as soon as possible. But i was not destined for that. I looked straight up, seeing evrything around me through the corners of my eyes, checking if anyone was trying to break into my personal zone. I hated to be there, i hated those prostitutes who had no other work to do then to lean there and hated those men who ogle at them . Then when i was busy hating everything and everyone there, i caught the sight of a girl about 10-11 years, all skinny ,in a semi nude dress. Suddenly i could feel all my knees turning into jelly. A chill went down my body for i even hated to think that this little girl may be some daughter of some prostitute and was a victim of child molestation. I cannt even tell you how much i disliked the whole concept. All of a sudden as fast as the lightening something deep down me changed. I was not as sore as i was when i entered that area,i didnt hated thoses whores as much as i hated them just a second ago. Somehow , our rickshaw managed to get out of that place and felt some relieved. But till now that whole thing has caught to such an extent that i couldnt get out of it. I kept on thinking about that little girl and about all those others whores ,how they might have got into that work , about the future of that girl. I got to realise that probably those whores were destined to do this job and they were merely doing their busioness standing there like any other business person.The whole experience taught me not to jump to any conclusion without actually knowing the situation and not to hate anyone for the job they are doing.

How I missed my writing

This was one of the time, when I was thinking what to do with all the time I suddenly seem to have in this new sem, when I fumbled on my previous blog. And in a second, all those memories from the past came rushing back to me. I suddenly remembered how I used to enjoy writing about various stuff-- turn a bit philosophical or just crib about my mundane life. Without sounding too cloy , can I say I felt all my energy being returned to me. To just link my previous blog with this new one, I am pasting some of the entries in this blog and provide me with the bliss of some past memories :) . Somehow I could not stop smiling to myself and I dont remember, when was the last time I was so happy.

Here it goes ...

It all started when my cousin bought his new cell phone which can take pics along with many other functions.Man, i was totally impressed ,not by the cell phone or the fact that my brotther is possessing one.But by the fact that world around is changing damn too fast.Anyways i decided to learn all its functions. And he clicked my pic to explain me the process. Nemesis fell on that moment , when i had a glance at that pic of mine, for what i saw on the screen appeared least like me. Why, i see myself everyday in the mirror and i am damn confident about the way i look. That was not me , what all crap things these people in production business are launching and fooling people around.Anyways i decided to compare my image in the mirror to the one on mobile screen . To my dismay , i found that both the images were exactly the same. How come this is possible ? For all these years this devilish mirror has been decieving me ,always projecting the feign image Making me believe that i am actually much more beautiful and smart then what i actually am. Curse fell on that mirror !I felt i have been cheated out by life ,i felt betrayed ,some mysterious powers in the world were conniving against me Then i thought ,was it actually the mirror or was it was me , who failed to see my actual self.Though it was hard to accept , but it was ME. I realised how conveniently i was only seeing what i liked and ignoring the details i hated to see ;that too for years. The image i was seeing was the image i wished to see .Striking it deep , i realised it was not just the mirror and my virtual image ,but it was actually me and my image in the world.( How do i percieve myself in my working space and the world in general). I was completely turning a blind eye to all the flaws in my character, to all my follies . Just pleasing myself basking about the few qualities i have( i wouldnt say good qualities, for what is good to me ,may not be good to others). GOD ,it feel pathetic and miserable being decieved by your ownself . I mean you can always expect to be cheated by all those bastards in the world but you cannot really help when you yourself turn out to be one of those bastards one fine day.Its is not that i expect myself that i should be MISS PERFECT or something ,but then i should be aware of all the facade of my character. I should be able to replace bad by good and if i am lousy enough to do that i should be able to accept myself as i am without an iota of shame or pain. For the end of the day i am not a student or a daughter or a friend , i am a human being with a soul with a definite purpose.